1 00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:08,090 ♪ 2 00:00:09,826 --> 00:00:11,093 [exclaims] 3 00:00:16,091 --> 00:00:18,225 [school bell rings] 4 00:00:24,933 --> 00:00:26,984 ♪ 5 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,029 [bicycle bell ringing] 6 00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:33,240 [tires screech] 7 00:00:45,771 --> 00:00:48,789 Okay, ladies, let's all take out this month's book, 8 00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:50,107 then open it, close it 9 00:00:50,109 --> 00:00:52,109 and break out the wine. 10 00:00:52,111 --> 00:00:54,553 [uncertain noises] 11 00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:56,889 You're supposed to say "Woo." [chuckles] 12 00:00:56,965 --> 00:00:59,950 Luann, we're not feeling very "woo." 13 00:00:59,952 --> 00:01:02,803 What we're feeling is woo-ried. 14 00:01:02,805 --> 00:01:04,805 -Mm-hmm. -This is an intervention. 15 00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:06,807 I don't have a problem with drinking. 16 00:01:06,883 --> 00:01:08,125 It's not the wine. 17 00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:10,903 Luann, you have an addiction to wine merch. 18 00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:13,847 [sighs] And we say this out of love, 19 00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:14,907 it's super annoying. 20 00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:17,117 [murmuring agreement] 21 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,638 But it's such a fun way of telling the world I like wine. 22 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,975 "Mom Fuel," that "corks are for quitters." 23 00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:26,109 "Wine is the answer, 24 00:01:26,145 --> 00:01:27,586 what was the question?" [laughs] 25 00:01:27,737 --> 00:01:31,815 The question is do you want to live your life like this? 26 00:01:31,817 --> 00:01:35,243 Oh! And I suppose all your throw pillows just say nothing. 27 00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:38,079 Anyway, it's not like it's hurting anyone. 28 00:01:38,157 --> 00:01:39,765 Isn't it? 29 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,749 I'm the closing manager at Mom Goods. 30 00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:45,771 I was injured when you got into a fight with another customer 31 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,106 over an apron that says 32 00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:49,833 "This is my wine bib." 33 00:01:49,835 --> 00:01:50,925 [ashamed groan] 34 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:53,595 Luann, we're here for you. 35 00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:56,931 B-But being a funny wine mom is my thing. 36 00:01:57,009 --> 00:02:00,844 I have absolutely nothing else in my life. 37 00:02:00,846 --> 00:02:02,012 -[crying] -[sighs] 38 00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,847 You like coffee, right? 39 00:02:03,849 --> 00:02:06,941 What if your new personality was coffee? 40 00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:08,794 Coffee merch doesn't get me there. 41 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:09,795 Chocolate? 42 00:02:09,946 --> 00:02:11,872 "It's chocolate o'clock somewhere"? 43 00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:13,799 That makes no sense, Bernice. 44 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,801 How about "proud slut"? 45 00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,027 Hmm... 46 00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:18,044 mm... 47 00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:19,954 I love it! 48 00:02:19,956 --> 00:02:22,975 And here is your very first merch. 49 00:02:24,127 --> 00:02:25,886 [cheering and laughing] 50 00:02:25,962 --> 00:02:27,037 [whooping] 51 00:02:27,055 --> 00:02:29,130 Goodbye, Malibu Stacy. 52 00:02:29,132 --> 00:02:30,965 Good luck, Malibu Stacy. 53 00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:32,876 Miss you already. 54 00:02:32,878 --> 00:02:35,562 Goodbye, all you think piece- inspiring Malibu Stacys. 55 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,898 I'm going to the real world to find a little girl 56 00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:40,050 who loves me the most. 57 00:02:40,052 --> 00:02:44,888 ♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah ♪ 58 00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:46,072 ♪ Closer I am-- ♪ 59 00:02:46,074 --> 00:02:47,815 [birds singing] 60 00:02:47,893 --> 00:02:49,251 -♪ -[children gasp, murmur] 61 00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:54,989 [gasps] I knew this day would co-- 62 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,917 And you're not here for me. 63 00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:58,218 Hi, Shauna! 64 00:02:59,087 --> 00:03:01,905 Um, who are you, freak? 65 00:03:01,924 --> 00:03:03,924 Besides a freaky freak, you freak. 66 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,834 I'm Malibu Stacy, your Malibu Stacy. 67 00:03:06,912 --> 00:03:08,595 I came here from Malibu Stacy Land 68 00:03:08,672 --> 00:03:11,765 because a real girl who plays with me needs my help. 69 00:03:11,841 --> 00:03:13,025 And that's you, Shauna. 70 00:03:13,176 --> 00:03:15,843 You still play with dolls? 71 00:03:15,921 --> 00:03:17,103 [scoffs] No. 72 00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:18,939 It's okay to be complicated. 73 00:03:19,015 --> 00:03:22,092 As women, we can encompass multitudes. 74 00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:23,851 Encompass my fist! 75 00:03:23,929 --> 00:03:24,928 [Stacy screams] 76 00:03:24,947 --> 00:03:26,096 -[grunts] -Yeah, get her! 77 00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,615 Get out of here and leave me alone, loser. 78 00:03:28,692 --> 00:03:30,951 I'm so sorry. Meet me at home after school. 79 00:03:30,953 --> 00:03:33,787 We'll have a tea party. I love you so much. 80 00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,881 [grunts] You're not fighting me. 81 00:03:35,958 --> 00:03:39,009 You're fighting your fears of growing up. 82 00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:45,015 -[grunts] -[pops] 83 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,229 [screams] 84 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,898 [yawning] 85 00:03:52,975 --> 00:03:54,958 All right, good night, Nelly. 86 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,793 Mama, could you tell me a story? 87 00:03:56,795 --> 00:03:59,905 How about one from the Kingdom of the Classy Ladies? 88 00:03:59,982 --> 00:04:01,648 [chuckling] Another one? 89 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,577 Ah, please, I never get tired of their adventures. 90 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,990 Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess 91 00:04:10,142 --> 00:04:11,583 named Muntzeena. 92 00:04:11,660 --> 00:04:15,754 Oh, and she loved to dance with all of her friends 93 00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:18,924 atop the glittery stage of... 94 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,984 [Nelson] Lord Tracksuit's Manor! 95 00:04:20,986 --> 00:04:22,669 [Mrs. Muntz] One fine eve, 96 00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:25,597 a party of knights of the Order of the Bachelor 97 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,825 from the Valley of Silicon were there, 98 00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:30,918 tossing much gold. 99 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:31,995 Did they bring a wizard with them 100 00:04:31,997 --> 00:04:33,680 who could control the weather? 101 00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:34,848 Oh, they sure did. 102 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:38,852 And boy, oh, boy, did he make it rain. 103 00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:40,595 But treachery was in the air. 104 00:04:40,672 --> 00:04:44,024 As the evil Princess Rylee with two Es 105 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:48,011 stepped onto the stage, bidding the troubadour play 106 00:04:48,013 --> 00:04:51,105 "Poureth Some Sugar Unto Me." 107 00:04:51,183 --> 00:04:54,017 But that's Princess Muntzeena's frolicking ditty. 108 00:04:54,019 --> 00:04:57,020 -Rylee stole it! -Indeed. 109 00:04:57,022 --> 00:04:59,080 And filled with righteous fury, 110 00:04:59,115 --> 00:05:02,801 Muntzeena removed her magical Lucite heel 111 00:05:02,952 --> 00:05:05,862 and chucked it at Rylee's stupid face. 112 00:05:05,864 --> 00:05:08,122 Oh, Princess Muntzeena didn't get 113 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,050 docked two weeks' pay again, did she? 114 00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:13,795 No. Because the keeper of the door, 115 00:05:13,872 --> 00:05:15,814 Sir Gordo of the Latin Kings, 116 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:16,890 is fair and wise 117 00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:18,683 and kind of into older broads. 118 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,062 So he banished Princess Rylee to the shift of the morn, 119 00:05:22,064 --> 00:05:24,064 when all the princes are sleeping off 120 00:05:24,216 --> 00:05:25,657 last night's potions. 121 00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:28,902 [Nelson] Then King Nelson came in, stole all the ducats 122 00:05:28,978 --> 00:05:31,979 and treated Muntzeena to lunch at Krusty Burger. 123 00:05:32,057 --> 00:05:34,816 Oh, my hero. 124 00:05:34,893 --> 00:05:36,984 No, Mom, you're mine. 125 00:05:37,062 --> 00:05:38,820 Ah, shut up. 126 00:05:38,897 --> 00:05:40,213 [both grunt affectionately] 127 00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:45,660 Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge: 128 00:05:45,662 --> 00:05:47,587 She'll take a night at home with the kids 129 00:05:47,664 --> 00:05:50,015 over a Hollywood premiere any day of the week. 130 00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:52,926 I told you that! 131 00:05:52,928 --> 00:05:54,836 Oh, I forgot the tampons. 132 00:05:54,913 --> 00:05:56,021 Can you go grab a box? 133 00:05:56,098 --> 00:05:59,933 Shh, the checkout stranger can hear. 134 00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,601 They don't care what you buy. 135 00:06:01,678 --> 00:06:04,154 Just get the tampons. We're in a hurry. 136 00:06:05,924 --> 00:06:08,942 That's a happy graduation card. 137 00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:12,095 Oh, it's not those things? 138 00:06:12,097 --> 00:06:13,947 I guess I'm bad at shopping. 139 00:06:14,099 --> 00:06:16,950 So you'll have to go get those things. 140 00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:18,860 [groans] Fine. 141 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,045 Stop right there, Marge. 142 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,880 Don't play dumb, Homer. 143 00:06:21,957 --> 00:06:24,107 Do you even realize all the embarrassing stuff 144 00:06:24,109 --> 00:06:26,259 your wife buys for you? 145 00:06:27,629 --> 00:06:30,889 ♪ Incompetent husband, you weak little punk ♪ 146 00:06:30,966 --> 00:06:32,632 ♪ Your selfless wife buys creams ♪ 147 00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:34,393 ♪ To soothe the rash on your junk ♪ 148 00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:37,712 ♪ Incompetent husband, just be a grown man ♪ 149 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,899 ♪ She didn't flinch when she bought you an XL bedpan ♪ 150 00:06:40,976 --> 00:06:42,959 ♪ You weren't even injured ♪ 151 00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:44,644 ♪ You weren't even sick ♪ 152 00:06:44,796 --> 00:06:47,814 ♪ Just too drunk to make it to the can ♪ 153 00:06:47,816 --> 00:06:49,056 ♪ To the can, to the can ♪ 154 00:06:49,134 --> 00:06:50,909 ♪ To the can, can, can... ♪ 155 00:06:50,986 --> 00:06:53,912 Stop shaming me in front of Hans Moleman. 156 00:06:53,989 --> 00:06:55,822 Oh, we're just getting started. 157 00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:57,582 ♪ Your fungus has infections ♪ 158 00:06:57,659 --> 00:06:58,917 ♪ Your infections have the runs ♪ 159 00:06:58,994 --> 00:07:00,585 ♪ Gassy nipples, crotch foot ♪ 160 00:07:00,662 --> 00:07:02,754 ♪ Massive hemorrhoids on your buns ♪ 161 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,982 ♪ You said they don't remember or care what we buy ♪ 162 00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:07,592 ♪ It's a little disconcerting ♪ 163 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,744 ♪ But I'm glad they're on my side ♪ 164 00:07:10,747 --> 00:07:11,988 ♪ She gets you meds for blood pressure ♪ 165 00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:13,748 ♪ Cholesterol and gout ♪ 166 00:07:13,825 --> 00:07:16,918 ♪ I want to get the tampons, but I can't figure it out ♪ 167 00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:18,920 ♪ Yes, you can, yes, you can ♪ 168 00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:20,087 ♪ Yes, you can, can, can ♪ 169 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:23,191 ♪ She texted you a photo of the brand ♪ 170 00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:29,597 ♪ Incompetent husband, we're so on to you ♪ 171 00:07:29,599 --> 00:07:33,935 ♪ You're only bad at doing things you don't want to do ♪ 172 00:07:34,012 --> 00:07:36,846 ♪ You can't be this stupid ♪ 173 00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:39,774 ♪ It's all just a ruse... ♪ 174 00:07:39,851 --> 00:07:42,944 Okay, okay, I'll do it! I'll buy my wife tampons! 175 00:07:43,021 --> 00:07:44,612 Just tell me where they are. 176 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:49,759 ♪ Incompetent husband, aisle two. ♪ 177 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,458 Breaking news. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. 178 00:07:57,460 --> 00:07:58,459 A ship carrying America's entire supply of cigarettes 179 00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,962 has become lodged in the Panama Canal. 180 00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:03,890 R, D, R, D, R, D. 181 00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:06,801 [horns blaring] 182 00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:08,970 Do you think the honking is helping? 183 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,563 'Cause I don't! 184 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,216 Experts say the cigarette shortage could mean months 185 00:08:13,218 --> 00:08:16,903 before are restocked and lungs re-blackened. 186 00:08:18,147 --> 00:08:22,817 Mm. I hope we have enough smokes to last until this is over. 187 00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:23,910 I'm sure we'll be okay 188 00:08:23,912 --> 00:08:26,062 if we just pool all our cigarettes. 189 00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:28,173 You know, share. 190 00:08:29,084 --> 00:08:30,842 Yeah. Share. 191 00:08:30,919 --> 00:08:32,969 Share the cigarettes. 192 00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:36,072 Thing is, I don't have any. 193 00:08:36,074 --> 00:08:38,058 Yeah, me neither. 194 00:08:44,766 --> 00:08:46,066 [Patty and Selma growl] 195 00:08:47,085 --> 00:08:49,194 [both grunting] 196 00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,075 Liar! 197 00:08:56,778 --> 00:08:58,078 Busted! 198 00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:00,080 Addict! 199 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,166 J'accuse! 200 00:09:04,786 --> 00:09:07,087 J'accuse you! 201 00:09:09,941 --> 00:09:10,940 -Aha! -Aha! 202 00:09:10,942 --> 00:09:13,093 [coughing, sputtering] 203 00:09:14,796 --> 00:09:16,888 [coughing] 204 00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:19,724 -[beeping] -[coughing] 205 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,883 Oh, hey there, handsome. What's your name? 206 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,810 Dr. Julius Hibbert. 207 00:09:30,887 --> 00:09:32,219 No, it's not. 208 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:35,890 Ugh. Remember, tonight we're roleplaying as strangers, 209 00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:37,683 meeting for a tawdry one-night stand 210 00:09:37,761 --> 00:09:41,971 that my therapist says will reinvigorate our marriage. 211 00:09:41,973 --> 00:09:43,990 I'm a man of science, not improv. 212 00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,975 Mm. Hmph. 213 00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:48,812 Okay, okay, I'll give it a try. 214 00:09:48,814 --> 00:09:49,754 [clears throat] 215 00:09:50,816 --> 00:09:52,315 Hello, stranger. 216 00:09:52,317 --> 00:09:55,910 Got any sexually-transmitted diseases I should know about? 217 00:09:55,987 --> 00:09:59,823 Ugh. My name is Laverne McCray. 218 00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:00,990 I'm a lingerie model. 219 00:10:00,992 --> 00:10:02,767 Well, we have that in common. 220 00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:04,919 You're a lingerie model? 221 00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:08,832 No, um, my name is also Laverne McCray. 222 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:12,001 I-I mean Maverne MacDoolittle? 223 00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:14,854 -Uh, I'm a doc-- -[grumbles] 224 00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:16,840 Documentarian. 225 00:10:16,842 --> 00:10:18,933 Of motorcycles. Which I race. 226 00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:20,677 For, uh, pleasure. 227 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:24,105 Oh, Maverne, you're just full of surprises. 228 00:10:24,182 --> 00:10:25,940 Help! This man is choking! 229 00:10:26,017 --> 00:10:28,852 Is anyone here a doctor? 230 00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:30,611 Me, I'm a... 231 00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:33,706 Uh, I'm a-hoping you find a doctor before it's too late. 232 00:10:33,783 --> 00:10:36,951 You want me to let a man die to give our marriage a boost? 233 00:10:37,028 --> 00:10:38,786 It would be a start. 234 00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:41,122 Oh, my God, he's turning blue. 235 00:10:41,199 --> 00:10:43,867 I can help. I-I'm a French neurosurgeon. 236 00:10:43,885 --> 00:10:45,718 No, he's not. We're just roleplaying. 237 00:10:45,871 --> 00:10:48,980 You said if I stayed in character, we could have sex. 238 00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,874 I took an oath, woman. 239 00:10:50,892 --> 00:10:52,800 I deserve passion! 240 00:10:52,802 --> 00:10:53,893 A sad scene. 241 00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:55,987 Remember, if you're going to role-play, 242 00:10:56,064 --> 00:10:57,563 play it safe. 243 00:10:57,716 --> 00:10:58,823 This has been a message from 244 00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,660 the President's Council on Marital Role-play, 245 00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:03,662 which does not exist because I'm only pretending 246 00:11:03,738 --> 00:11:06,998 to be a spokesperson to turn on the men in this bar. 247 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,817 Role-play, baby. I dig it. 248 00:11:09,819 --> 00:11:11,836 Fireman Stu is hot for you. 249 00:11:11,913 --> 00:11:14,839 I caught one. 250 00:11:14,916 --> 00:11:16,508 We caught you, Luigi. 251 00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:20,586 You've been smuggling diamonds inside your four-cheese gnocchi. 252 00:11:20,663 --> 00:11:25,058 Being caught with loaded gnocchi is no "gn-jokey." 253 00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:27,852 I want-a my mamma! 254 00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:30,763 Eh, what you should want is a lawyer. 255 00:11:30,765 --> 00:11:33,674 How's about-a both? 256 00:11:33,676 --> 00:11:37,529 ♪ She was making antipasto with a chop, chop, chop-a ♪ 257 00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,847 ♪ When her baby boy was taken by the cop, cop, cop-a ♪ 258 00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:42,759 ♪ With-a-out her son, she knew her heart would-a stop-a ♪ 259 00:11:42,761 --> 00:11:46,955 ♪ Life had given her a sock in the jaw ♪ 260 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,098 ♪ So she headed up to Harvard ♪ 261 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,783 ♪ Where they have a law school-a ♪ 262 00:11:50,785 --> 00:11:52,026 ♪ Her homespun wisdom made ♪ 263 00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:53,044 ♪ The stuffed shirts drool-a ♪ 264 00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:54,879 ♪ Well, she no speak-a so good ♪ 265 00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:56,715 ♪ But she's nobody's fool-a ♪ 266 00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:57,882 ♪ That's how she became ♪ 267 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,968 ♪ Mamma-at-law. ♪ 268 00:12:02,948 --> 00:12:04,797 It's-a not-a looking a-good, Mamma. 269 00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:06,099 They gonna send-a me away forever. 270 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,062 Counselor Mamma, your closing argument? 271 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,191 [clears throat] 272 00:12:20,966 --> 00:12:24,801 Don't you dare take-a my sweet, sweet, sweet 273 00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:25,969 baby boy to jail. 274 00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:28,747 You want to kill an old woman? 275 00:12:28,823 --> 00:12:30,749 Uh, no? 276 00:12:30,825 --> 00:12:31,975 Aw, thank you. 277 00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:34,753 You too skinny. Have some ziti. 278 00:12:34,829 --> 00:12:37,981 We find the defendant not guilty. 279 00:12:37,983 --> 00:12:39,924 [applause] 280 00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:42,652 [Mamma] Next week, on the Mamma-At-Law... 281 00:12:42,654 --> 00:12:46,765 Civil forfeitures laws unfairly discriminate against 282 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,825 low income communities. 283 00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:50,827 You too skinny! 284 00:12:50,829 --> 00:12:52,061 ♪ Mamma-at-law. ♪ 285 00:12:56,684 --> 00:13:00,528 ["Serenade No. 13 for strings in G major" by Mozart playing] 286 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:08,435 [Dora] I believe every great dish is born of dreams. 287 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,289 I'll often awaken with a new creation 288 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,249 fully formed in my head. 289 00:13:14,536 --> 00:13:17,778 Every morning, I go to the farmer's market 290 00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:19,297 to get inspired. 291 00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:22,467 Each ingredient becomes a character 292 00:13:22,544 --> 00:13:24,451 in the story of lunch. 293 00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,788 Today's story is I have 14 bucks 294 00:13:27,866 --> 00:13:30,791 and 500 kids to feed. 295 00:13:30,869 --> 00:13:32,644 Salt. 296 00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:33,794 Fat. 297 00:13:33,872 --> 00:13:34,795 Acid. 298 00:13:34,873 --> 00:13:36,539 Heat. 299 00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:37,798 No, thanks. 300 00:13:37,876 --> 00:13:39,542 I've eaten in restaurants all over the world, 301 00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:41,561 and Lunch Lady Dora's doing things 302 00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:44,730 I never thought were possible... or legal. 303 00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:46,491 Someone needs to stop her. 304 00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:47,659 Maybe the government? 305 00:13:49,478 --> 00:13:52,388 [Dora] When I present my food, 306 00:13:52,390 --> 00:13:54,499 I want it to evoke an emotion. 307 00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:56,751 -Panic. -Ah! 308 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:04,592 ["The Four Seasons: Summer" by Antonio Vivaldi] 309 00:14:11,426 --> 00:14:14,668 [Dora] If I wasn't a cook, I'd probably be a painter 310 00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:15,761 or a novelist. 311 00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:17,430 Some other job where I could 312 00:14:17,582 --> 00:14:19,649 drink vodka from a mug and knock off by 2:00. 313 00:14:26,682 --> 00:14:29,492 ♪ 314 00:14:32,688 --> 00:14:35,356 Narnia. 315 00:14:35,358 --> 00:14:37,600 All hail! Our queen has returned! 316 00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:40,453 Woodland friends, it is good to see you. 317 00:14:40,605 --> 00:14:43,623 How has the kingdom fared in my absence? 318 00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:45,383 The realm is troubled, milady, 319 00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,368 and your wisdom is much required. 320 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,612 By royal decree, we command 321 00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:52,539 that the roads of our kingdom be improved 322 00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:54,708 so that all may benefit. 323 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,544 Whoa, who's gonna pay for that? 324 00:14:57,622 --> 00:14:59,546 Oh... hmm. 325 00:14:59,624 --> 00:15:00,714 Ooh, what about this? 326 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,625 For every spell cast, 327 00:15:02,644 --> 00:15:06,553 we impose a tariff of one gold piece. 328 00:15:07,632 --> 00:15:11,634 You're aware that that unfairly targets witches, right? 329 00:15:11,636 --> 00:15:14,487 This is why so many of us are moving to other kingdoms. 330 00:15:14,639 --> 00:15:17,323 Well, you want better roads, right? 331 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,494 And affordable housing? So you can live closer to work? 332 00:15:21,496 --> 00:15:22,754 Yes, give it to us now. 333 00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:26,624 So, the money for all that 334 00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,668 has to come from somewhere. 335 00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:30,486 That's the kingdom's job. 336 00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:33,765 What about a property tax on moats? 337 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,582 Oh, yeah, soak the rich. 338 00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:37,602 That's your answer to everything. 339 00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:39,662 Calm down, my good people. 340 00:15:39,681 --> 00:15:41,681 You hear that? She called us people! 341 00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,590 That's racist! 342 00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:45,276 Death to the tyrant! 343 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,670 Sorry, people! I mean subjects! 344 00:15:47,672 --> 00:15:49,522 I mean... citizens? 345 00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:50,281 [screams] 346 00:15:50,358 --> 00:15:52,617 Ugh. I can't even have fun 347 00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:54,702 in my dreams anymore. 348 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,687 So, hi. 349 00:16:04,689 --> 00:16:07,298 This is my first time on one of these sites. 350 00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:09,525 I'm not really sure how this works, 351 00:16:09,544 --> 00:16:13,362 but it's time to admit that I'm lonely. 352 00:16:13,364 --> 00:16:15,531 Janice passed away six months ago, 353 00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,643 and I'm finally ready to open my heart 354 00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:20,461 to a new enemy. 355 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,723 We were at war for 50 years. 356 00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:26,467 Oh, God, what a nemesis she was. 357 00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:30,730 The most loathsome, sorry excuse for a human being 358 00:16:30,806 --> 00:16:32,806 you ever met. 359 00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:34,475 May she burn in Hell. 360 00:16:34,477 --> 00:16:37,386 I know you're not supposed to talk about your ex, 361 00:16:37,388 --> 00:16:40,439 but that relationship is a part of me. 362 00:16:40,517 --> 00:16:44,651 Anyway, ever since I spit on her ugly grave, 363 00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:46,395 I've been alone. 364 00:16:46,397 --> 00:16:48,898 I'm looking for someone in my rage bracket. 365 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,324 I'm not young. 366 00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:51,584 I don't have time to waste 367 00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:54,420 exchanging passive-aggressive emails, 368 00:16:54,497 --> 00:16:57,423 or shooting hostile stares across a supermarket. 369 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,500 I'm looking for a real commitment. 370 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,353 If you think that could be you, reach out. 371 00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:04,522 I just want to make someone miserable 372 00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,749 for the rest of their worthless life. 373 00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:07,674 Hmph. 374 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,610 [chiming] 375 00:17:11,439 --> 00:17:15,441 [playing over radio] ♪ Jesus hates your Prius ♪ 376 00:17:15,443 --> 00:17:19,495 ♪ The Lord loves his V8 Ford ♪ 377 00:17:20,356 --> 00:17:22,765 [klaxon blares over radio] 378 00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,542 [announcer] We interrupt this program for an emergency broadcast. 379 00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:27,453 A massive tsunami is headed for Springfield. 380 00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,455 -You have ten minutes left to live... -[gasps] 381 00:17:29,607 --> 00:17:32,533 ...so if there's anything you still need to do on this Earth, 382 00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:33,718 now is the time. 383 00:17:40,618 --> 00:17:41,650 Howdy, Helen. 384 00:17:41,652 --> 00:17:44,562 -Thought you didn't see-- -[grunts] 385 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,566 Oh, hey, there, Mrs. Lovej-- 386 00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,644 Ooh! 387 00:17:51,646 --> 00:17:53,613 [train whistle blows] 388 00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:57,483 Helen, are you okay? 389 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,494 [panting] 390 00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:07,752 [panting] 391 00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:12,632 Did I do someth-- 392 00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:16,652 [sighs] I can die now. 393 00:18:16,654 --> 00:18:18,654 [klaxon blares over radio] 394 00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:21,490 We have a clarification to our previous warning. 395 00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:24,493 A tsunami of savings is approaching Springfield 396 00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:27,496 at Costington's Red Tag Clearance. 397 00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:29,482 All is well, and on sale. 398 00:18:30,518 --> 00:18:31,734 It's a great hobby. 399 00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,671 Very, uh, manly? 400 00:18:35,673 --> 00:18:36,839 I don't know... 401 00:18:36,841 --> 00:18:38,765 Thanks. Yeah. 402 00:18:38,843 --> 00:18:39,992 I enjoy it. 403 00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:46,682 [children laughing, chattering] 404 00:18:46,684 --> 00:18:49,352 Oh, Milhouse fell down. 405 00:18:49,354 --> 00:18:50,519 I think he's okay, 406 00:18:50,521 --> 00:18:52,463 but it looks like the poor guy's about to... 407 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,690 [Milhouse wailing] 408 00:18:54,692 --> 00:18:57,593 Yes, sweet music to my wallet. 409 00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,623 Aw, I was so sure it was gonna be Janey. 410 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:05,309 She's coming off a two-sleepover weekend. 411 00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:07,645 Doesn't betting on bad things happening to children 412 00:19:07,796 --> 00:19:10,373 feel just a bit wrong? 413 00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:12,391 I feel nothing, and I'm fine with that. 414 00:19:12,468 --> 00:19:14,710 Someone just fell off the monkey bars. 415 00:19:14,729 --> 00:19:16,395 [all gasp] 416 00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,713 Willie, we need an ID on the faller. 417 00:19:17,732 --> 00:19:19,490 [Willie] It's Sheri. 418 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,491 [groaning] 419 00:19:20,568 --> 00:19:22,385 Oh, yes! Yes! 420 00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:23,552 [Willie] Correction, 421 00:19:23,554 --> 00:19:25,496 the faller is Teri. 422 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,390 Repeat, Teri. 423 00:19:27,408 --> 00:19:29,392 -[groaning] -Come to papa. 424 00:19:29,394 --> 00:19:31,485 I-I can't be a part of this. 425 00:19:31,562 --> 00:19:32,578 [Willie] Oy, 426 00:19:32,655 --> 00:19:35,489 shut up, you debt-ridden chalk-sniffers. 427 00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:38,401 We have a middle finger on the playground. 428 00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:39,493 Who flipped the bird? 429 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,587 Come on, weird foreign exchange student. 430 00:19:41,589 --> 00:19:44,331 I cannot believe I'm saying this. 431 00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:47,760 The bird-flipper is Lisa Simpson. 432 00:19:47,762 --> 00:19:49,428 [gasping] 433 00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:51,580 Impossible. What were the odds? 434 00:19:51,582 --> 00:19:52,765 500 to one. 435 00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:54,675 I'm so disappointed in you guys. 436 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:57,586 Or should I say, for you guys. 437 00:19:57,588 --> 00:19:58,738 Yoink. 438 00:20:00,591 --> 00:20:01,590 Nice work. 439 00:20:01,592 --> 00:20:04,593 Pleasure doing business with you. 440 00:20:04,612 --> 00:20:06,621 ♪ 441 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,628 [bicycle bell rings] 442 00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:18,758 [bicycle bell rings] 443 00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:21,427 [rings] 444 00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:28,392 ♪ 445 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,636 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 446 00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:32,638 and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 447 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,623 and TOYOTA. 448 00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,609 Captioned by